Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
