I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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