barbara walters just said penis...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
