Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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