Will you blow on my dice?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he thought i was a dude.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
