She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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