Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
