I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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