My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize