true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
They are going to name an STD after you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
