remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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