he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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