i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
