hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
