After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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