So drunk, too bad you don't want this
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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