Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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