There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
