dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
