So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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