Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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