i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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