I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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