Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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