so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
