my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
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We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
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GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT