I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
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I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
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Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor