I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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