What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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