I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
