"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
