Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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