so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize