I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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