It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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