i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
