DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
