Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
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It's rum buckets o'clock
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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