Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
