My underwear smells like fireworks.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
