She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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