I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
there is puke in my bra ... again
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
