i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
