Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
