I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
