I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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