Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
