I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
