please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
