at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
