Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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