i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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