Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
