i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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