I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
