im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
